Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Oy vey.

Hey fella, once the man of my dreams. Well, some of your characters. Hey, in this modern world you owe me nothing. You can slink away and be justified. After all, you are just an actor. I am just a fan. 

Before you were you, you made Sparkhouse. You were a standout as John Standring, so very sympathetic. Awww....

Way back, in Inspector George Gently, you were the poetic rebel with your white scarf flying and I believed.

I loved you most as the forthright, proud, brave, supremely intelligent, eminently decent and kind John Thornton in North and South, the man I would most like to marry.

I thank you for folding the churlish, cardboardish Guy Gisborne in Robin Hood into an origami bird of flight. And you were so sexy with it. Sigh and swoon. I actually rooted for you and wept when you died.
In the Vicar of Dibley, you were unbelievably sweet and tender,for a rich guy, and that's when the laughing Harry Kennedy and you became a dream boyfriend.

In MI-5/Spooks you were the starved noble spy, tortured in the past, tortured by the past, tortured by the present. Until you became a howling mockery tortured by the writers. Not your fault. A denouement worthy of soap operas written by unintelligent people.

I like the way you moved in Strike Back. I liked the fight scenes. That is all.

And then you became a dwarf. You were good in The Hobbit. Meanwhile, I am getting takeout and hanging with my girlfriends.  The hype about you left me cold.

I learned you had a stylist, I learned you had a press agent, I learned you wanted to go to Hollywood to be a star. I know about your teeth. I saw some of your glamour press photos. I didn't bother with your interviews- same old, same old. I hung out with my girlfriends some more.

Is this Richard, my talented boyfriend, I asked myself?  The one who is taking roles that bore the hell out of me? While others are staying largely in England and churning out myriad, chunky characters that do interest me? I used to think you were a scintillating butterfly- with chunk.

Praise for Chop in Urban and the Shed Crew- an indie I might not watch but maybe I might. Praise for John Proctor in The Crucible even though I hate theatre. The role gives you theatrical street cred but, meh, I'm thinking there's a CV your PR types are checking off.

To the present: Now, now, you are travelling down that ill-fated path for Brits, the dark demon/antagonist- Francis Dolarhyde, the ultimate psycho of Manhunter/Red Dragon fame. Because I want a descent into madness from you, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Because nihilism is your British bag. I can't think of anything more depressing and anything less in which I am interested. A celebration of nothingness and death is not my bag.

I am done.

Aw, you were so cute, so sexy, so full of hellacious promise. So remarkably able to challenge the soul. And then the American demon got to you. And I lost interest. You and I have nothing left in common at this point, so, I hate to say this, but I am breaking up with you.

As your ex, I wish the best for you. As your ex I hope that you get a clue and diversify.  Not terribly romantic, I know. All I can think is, what a waste.

Call me, sweetie, when you get a clue or a role worthy of you. I'll be watching.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Beautiful Real

Here is The Armitage as Chop, a guy I don't care about, from an earnest movie (Urban and the Shed Crew) that looks like it would depress me, and yet this photo thrills me:

I love your hat
I love the green
I love it bilious
I love it mean
I love it harsh
Oh whip me now
Show me the spark
Show me the how.
Are you rolling a cig
Are you rolling a joint
Does your scruffy scruff itch
Is there any point?

So happy to see you 
Looking down and out
Happy to see you
Playing a lout
So happy to see you
Sartorially challenged
So happy to see you
Real and damaged.

Happy to see you
Wearing real stuff.
Staying away from the tights
Staying away from the fluff.
Give up the cape
Give up the stylist
Take some meds 
For that Hollywood virus.

You haven't looked this good
Since before The Hobbit,
Damn, you have the knack,
Stay the sonnet.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Aaaaaaaat Laaaaaaast....

My love has come along....

My lonely days are over/ And life is like a song...

 Oh yeah yeah, at last/ The skies above are blue....



This is what's going through my head at wonderful news* that The Armitage actually is acting again. Real acting, not PR acting! What a joyous occasion. I think I floated two feet off my sofa when I read this:

Richard has been cast in Urban and the Shed Crew, a Blenheim Films production, which has just started filming in Leeds in the UK. The filming will take place over the next 6 weeks (10 March to 18 April) and the director is Candida Brady. This film is adapted from the best-selling novel Urban Grimshaw and the Shed Crew, written by Bernard Hare. Richard will play 'Chop', an ex-social worker who befriends the eponymous character 'Urban'.

Thankyougods- Hallelujah- Excitement excitement ecstasy- Finally my prince has come- Life is good, life is fiiiiine...AT. LAST. And...phew...

Go to site- It's real! It's real!- Read description- Oh gawd  - It's gonna be a downer....Which role does he have? Chop? What's that? Does a Chop need prosthetics- Read some more- Is it a BIG role...Is it? Is it a GIANT role?... I want a GIANT role- Is it a little film? I don't know this company- Is it a big company, a known company or is it going to be 'into the storm' again?... Is it an indie company- Is it going to be shown anywhere but the UK? Would I want to see it? Really? Really? Gad, it's based on a stark and sombre non-fiction bookI'mNotReadingIt!

Hit a couple of sites to see responses- cannibalisation continues- dissection of every nuance, every titbit,  every tweet, twirp, twitch, burp, and instagram- I go peruse said feeds,  Oy Vey- How exciting to see clothes on rack, shoes on floor, oh look, there's Chop's costumes...a few buildings and cars- there's a glossary, we need a glossary?-some tweets on homelessness (a worthy cause) or something, my eyes glaze over...gad this is grim and earnest....It's going to be a loooong few months....

How soon before the PR begins? Oh damn, it's already begun ....How long before he talks about it....will he say anything interesting...actually I never check Oldman's take on characters/PR either... of course Oldman's not as pretty as The Armitage but I've seen too much of Richard 'Rico' Suave lately anyway...oh, just hit me with your acting stick, that's all I ask! Je t'adore, ich liebe dich!

And most of all and worst of all, when is he going to make something that interests meeeee?  whine whine whine.... oh, I'll probably read reviews before I decide whether it's worth seeing on anything larger than a flatscreen....you've stayed too long at the CGI fair, boyo, and now it's time to shore up that body of work so I can wallow in choice....

In fact, I'm thinking I need to be cryogenically frozen, return in 20 years or so, and then binge on Armitage DVDs rather than gnaw on a current and future mess of texts, pix, tweets and modelising magnum opuses...more RELENTLESS PR!- now that would be a body worth going into a coma for ....I would also expect a monumental quantity or quality to kiss me awake.

Instead, I sit here appalled because I seem to be devouring my own brain - cannibalising my very brain in twisty, bendy ways- wretched Wretched man, the sensational feats, the contortions, the tumbling and somersaults I do for him even in my brain! 

Then I come here and *everyone is telling us the good news- and you know what? I still don't have anything to say. Tick tock....

*Many thanks to the commenters who shared the news!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Whither Thou Armitage?

Well, from the looks of it, not anywhere.

Is the man enslaved to Peter Jackson's juggernaut? I don't think so. He may be enslaved to his stylist and all I can say is, throw off those shackles of the most prosaic and dull! Let me dress you, because I'd do a way better job.

What has he done lately? I won't answer that because the answer is too stark even for me to bear.

According to this report:

Richard Armitage finds himself in a professional quandary. He is so good at playing Dwarf King Thorin Oakenshield in the Hobbit movies, it's been bad for his career.
 Montreal Gazette

Seriously? Does anyone believe that?  A canard, in my opinion. What happened to your agent? Why are you not stuffed with roles, whether good or bad, rich or poor?  Why are we hearing nothing and more nothing? What is wrong here? You are an eminently and excessively talented actor and yet, in year two, all you're doing is shlepping the latest installment of the fantastical Hobbit franchise.  Does your agent have so little faith in you? Why is the world not knocking at your door? What am I missing here?

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Who's Got Bats In Their Belfry?

There is so little to write about The Armitage's career trajectory at this point. Nothing is happening. He made Black Sky but there is no release date. He just finally, finally, finally wrapped the interminable work on the Hobbit trilogy.

Now this:
1. The rumour mill keeps spinning with two more articles quoting sources in Los Angeles about casting for the role of Batman, with Richard's name as a likely contender. The British tabloid newspaper, The Daily Star Sunday, quotes a casting source in Los Angeles and The Hollywood Reporter lists Richard along with other names that are cropping up regularly.

As the flame flutters and dims, sputters and gasps, we can depend on the kiss of hype to spark it alive.  Can we hope for some juicy role à la John Thornton, the standard by which all roles should be measured?  Or Guy of Gisborne, Lucas North, John Standring etc., etc. all of which he has made his own, or even the grand and magnificent Thorin that he fully inhabited? No, we get the interminable Batman, about a guy who wears armoured tights, bat ears and a cape. So elevating.

What will The Armitage do?

What is the possibility of a flying "nocturnal, mouselike animal" imitation?  Further, would he inhabit the Bat, be the Bat, aim for Bat Transcendence? Are we quivering and weak-kneed at the thought yet?

There is really nothing much to say other than this:

Richard Armitage deserves better than being endless fodder for the rapacious maws of fanboys. That would be such a waste of singular talent. Sigh.

I would like to see him in a mature role. For a mature man. Not all this puerile comic slop.

Somebody check for the role, "complete man", in the index of greenlit scripts and give it to him.

Ye gods.

Giant Sigh.





Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Thorin: Move Over, Sparkles!

For those of you living on another planet, Robert Pattinson was nicknamed "Sparkles" online because of his sparkly vampire turn in Twilight.  To wit:

Sparkly Vampire
Well, move on over, Mr P, because The Armitage has snatched the crown. Not that he wanted to, but The Hobbit* made sure he did.

Can't say much for the original rendering of Thorin:

He looks like something out of some video game. Or graphic novel.  Are you enchanted? I sure as hell was not! He is one ugly, nasty, evil-looking dude. Meh, meh, and triple meh!  He is the stuff of male role-playing adolescent dreams about power (and looks a whole lot like a Klingon).

People, you lied!!!!!!

Here is the real Thorin as rendered in the film:

 And compared to all sparkly:

It's all a matter of light. Thorin was lit like a divinity.  Vampires? Not so much. They are rather bestial and drink human blood. Thorin? He wants to go home and is willing to sacrifice his life to reclaim it. No contest, eh?

Thorin has to have the dewiest complexion ever!  I know it's a weird thing to say, but the fact is, I was mesmerised by The Armitage's skin which was highlighted to great effect. You'll have to take my word for it till the DVD comes out.  It glowed.

I have so hated The Armitage's beard. Hate, hate, hate. And then I noticed Thorin's soul patch.  Normally, beards are rather common. But in the film the soul patch stands front and centre and it rules! Thorin is all about the soul patch!

There is nothing but the soul patch. And the eyes. Oh! The eyes!

The Armitage was a ghost in this film. Only his eyes were visible; they did all the talking (with soul patch emphasis, of course!). First shot of him. I lost my breath. Could he look more gorgeous. From the outset, Peter Jackson rendered the character divine. And the image was all that-- divine.

I am sure everyone has waxed eloquent about The Armitage's performance. About his beauty and everything in between. I can only speak of what moved me, what blew me away.

I will have to wait for the DVD to capture the moments, and even now, I am wondering if I will buy the DVD but I probably will because of The Armitage's performance.  Apart from Thorin's introduction, that image so breathtaking and setting the tone, I remember when his story was being told. I remember Thorin reduced to labour, at the forge, and the look on his face. Multi-layered, a mixture of pride, determination, dismay and anguish.  Stark. If it had not been RA, I wonder if I would have missed that look.

I noticed the way Thorin holds himself, tilts his head. His passionate physical presence. His rage, his nobility, his determination, his sadness, grief and anguish, his impulsiveness, his recklessness, his loyalty, his inwardness. Always colouring the face. Sometimes in the body. Always with that divine glow.

And then there was home, Erebor, the Lonely Mountain. Thorin stands before the sight of it:

And emotions ripple, billow and break under his skin. They crest and curl, they flow and flutter. Several, all there, one after another, in a nanosecond. That moment is worth everything. This is the actor Richard Armitage that I know and adore. Writ large. For me, it's worth all. More than beauty, more than divinity, more than nobility, this leaves me breathless.  I am rapt in the glow.

Shine on, Sparkles.

*Yes, I actually just saw The Hobbit, two months after the opening.