The Hobb(meh)t

For months, I have had nothing to write about. I've mourned over the dearth of Armitage related news and kvetched. I was not interested in rehashing the already fine hash cooked up by so many others, sometimes, practically out of the barest of leavings. Over the interminable days and weeks, the hash became ash, and, after a time, it all began to taste like gruel to me, like gruel, I tell ya!

And I was bored. Bored of the Hobbit hype, waaaay back when and thereafter. Oh Armitage, how could you??? How could you engage in this absurd and fantastical undertaking with a furry footed midget and your own stubbulised arms and legs? You have been many things throughout your career, but a stub you have not. I wept at the thought.

Okay, I'll give you this- you look hot. These are still your eyes, and it would take some malevolent fairy to give you dark bronzing eyes like in Twilight......no, wait, that's still hot. Well, I guess you would need to do a new version of The Elephant Man in order to hide the sexy.

But you're still a dwarf albeit a large blocky one with great hair, burning eyes and fabulous teeth. I really want to see you run,  because I wonder, will you be forced to mince along on those little stubs of yours? How does that work? Hmmm. How about when you wield your lovely, lilting sword with your stubby arms- will you look graceful? These are the important questions!

                                                    I'm too sexy for my stub

 

They call me Mr Stub!

I tried to read The Hobbit in my teens and was bored. I never saw the films on the big screen and don't own the first installment on DVD. I rarely watch the others. And yet, I was being forced, yes, forced to go see The Hobbit, because the Armitage was in it and, indeed, "love is stronger than death".  This was a great sacrifice on my part I want you to know. The things I had to do. Sigh. I was almost resentful!

The other day I saw Skyfall on a 70 foot screen. And there, in a preview, was a snippet from The Hobbit, with a giant, stubby Thorin warbling away. Then, as a montage continued, gad, I realised that the visuals were gaspingly opulent and sumptuous, and for a brief, shining moment, I felt thrilled. I would see this because it looked gorgeous, I'm a sucker for splendour, and that would help me deal with the material while I honed in on the dwarf!

Meanwhile, I am stuck with a tsunami of Hobbit PR inundating all the Armitage blogs. I dipped my toe in this evening and almost drowned. I envy that enthusiasm. I also smell their fear because it is my fear. What if he gets really big? Will I be stuck going to films I have no interest in, or will my ardour for the Armitage die because I naturally choke on the stranglehold of hype and bad cinema?

To me the PR is ridiculous as all things over the top fanboy-ey and fangirly are ridiculous to me. This is a juggernaut that overwhelms little non-dwarfish people like me. Everything and everyone is swept up in its wake. The Armitage's world will be chewed up and spit out and I don't have much of a hope of ever hearing anything substantial, such is the gargantuan totality of the PR drive. It's like Transformers...bang, belt and sock. Crush. Like the Hulk- SMASH.

Gah!

What I will be interested in when I do peek into that world is to see how the Armitage handles himself, how the world receives him, and whether his talent will be buried, become dross, or set alight. Bottom line is that I don't need the fireworks, unless those fireworks are the continued incandescence of his characterisations. Frankly, I wish he were doing small films, and stuff on the BBC so that it would be all about the work. I would rather the scruff of jeans and shirt than the super gloss and stiff spray of the red carpet. I'd rather a star here on earth than in the firmament. I like things small, just not dwarfish. There are enough monsters out there.

See you in line!

Come back, little Richard!